thought 1:
i think the only reason that ppl keep harping about how it's all about the journey and not the destination is cause deep down inside they know they can't justify their journey by their destination.
thought 2:
there are no shortcuts.
---------------------------------------------------
[more to come when i take another break from studying or maybe after the mcats themselves]
4.29.2007
3.20.2007
love
i have been thinking about love quite honestly...ever since i realized that i liked girls...
that's not to say there was always an object of my affection at every time point of my life, but i guess if i were to be truthful, there were always girls who were on my "radar" so to speak.
even so, i find that i can honestly say that i have only really liked 4 girls in my life. 2 have said no. 1 i never found out (i moved from LA) and 1 i almost went out with. i think for the rest of the girls that i have talked about, none were more than fleeting interests that i wasn't even interested enough to act on or were situations that more resembled crushes.
i guess in that sense you can say that i have had many crushes. but for me, i find that crushes are nothing to get worked up about. if there is nothing there (and most of the time, there isn't), these fleeting infatuations will die out.
i guess having said that, i remember how in college all these ppl (namely the retarded csfc barnard girls) would go around throwing out the line "enjoy your single-hood". now i'm not saying that there is no truth to that. however, i will be the first to say, that is a load of crap.
hypothetical scenario: (posed to all those who tell others to enjoy their single-hood)
if a person were to come to you and say, "i offer you a loving, God-centered relationship with a person who will honor you and love you in such a way that you will be forever supported throughout your life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and you would do likewise for them"...
i doubt any one of them would say, "no thanks. i enjoy my singlehood too much. but thanks for offering".
now i know that this is probably not what they are trying to say. but if that is not the case, then they are trivializing the loneliness a single person experiences. no one is saying, i want a significant other for the sake of having one. at least i propose that this is the case. it certainly is for me. instead, i think most thoughtful people i know who struggle with their singleness is the yearning to have their lives augmented via relationships.
in fact, i would go as far to say, it is for most people a God-given desire to seek companionship and it is through that form of companionship that we as humans get to experience another form of love that is not available through other forms of relationships. rather, i would say that it is only in specific cases, by God's calling, that people are to abstain from such relationships.
why am i posting this at 2:40 in the morning?
i guess after studying for a bit, my mind has wandered a bit...
oh well, even so. i think for so long ive heard ppl throw out the term "enjoy your singlehood" with such arrogance/irresponsibility/ignorance/shallowness...that it has hurt ppl who are genuinely struggling with the issues of being single. i think it has done more to villainize a holy yearning for companionship into a false of sense of weakness.
i don't think im saying this to justify reckless dating or an irresponsible outlook to relationships/dating/love/etc...i think i am saying this in light of and only in the case of a mature approach to the topic...
also, im not trying to say that being single is bad. it, like relationships, has its own season in our lives. but i think at the same time, searching for and being open to a Godly romantic relationship is not only not a bad thing--instead i think it is a very important and responsible thing to do.
that's not to say there was always an object of my affection at every time point of my life, but i guess if i were to be truthful, there were always girls who were on my "radar" so to speak.
even so, i find that i can honestly say that i have only really liked 4 girls in my life. 2 have said no. 1 i never found out (i moved from LA) and 1 i almost went out with. i think for the rest of the girls that i have talked about, none were more than fleeting interests that i wasn't even interested enough to act on or were situations that more resembled crushes.
i guess in that sense you can say that i have had many crushes. but for me, i find that crushes are nothing to get worked up about. if there is nothing there (and most of the time, there isn't), these fleeting infatuations will die out.
i guess having said that, i remember how in college all these ppl (namely the retarded csfc barnard girls) would go around throwing out the line "enjoy your single-hood". now i'm not saying that there is no truth to that. however, i will be the first to say, that is a load of crap.
hypothetical scenario: (posed to all those who tell others to enjoy their single-hood)
if a person were to come to you and say, "i offer you a loving, God-centered relationship with a person who will honor you and love you in such a way that you will be forever supported throughout your life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and you would do likewise for them"...
i doubt any one of them would say, "no thanks. i enjoy my singlehood too much. but thanks for offering".
now i know that this is probably not what they are trying to say. but if that is not the case, then they are trivializing the loneliness a single person experiences. no one is saying, i want a significant other for the sake of having one. at least i propose that this is the case. it certainly is for me. instead, i think most thoughtful people i know who struggle with their singleness is the yearning to have their lives augmented via relationships.
in fact, i would go as far to say, it is for most people a God-given desire to seek companionship and it is through that form of companionship that we as humans get to experience another form of love that is not available through other forms of relationships. rather, i would say that it is only in specific cases, by God's calling, that people are to abstain from such relationships.
why am i posting this at 2:40 in the morning?
i guess after studying for a bit, my mind has wandered a bit...
oh well, even so. i think for so long ive heard ppl throw out the term "enjoy your singlehood" with such arrogance/irresponsibility/ignorance/shallowness...that it has hurt ppl who are genuinely struggling with the issues of being single. i think it has done more to villainize a holy yearning for companionship into a false of sense of weakness.
i don't think im saying this to justify reckless dating or an irresponsible outlook to relationships/dating/love/etc...i think i am saying this in light of and only in the case of a mature approach to the topic...
also, im not trying to say that being single is bad. it, like relationships, has its own season in our lives. but i think at the same time, searching for and being open to a Godly romantic relationship is not only not a bad thing--instead i think it is a very important and responsible thing to do.
3.11.2007
suffocating loneliness.
i was just watching my parents drive away...
there is always something so suffocating about watching loved ones go away and returning to an empty house. the silence that surrounds me seems to oppress me so much that i am afraid to scream for the fear that no sound will come out. instead i hold my breath walking around my apartment with the feeling that if i open my mouth, i will drown in this sea of panic that seems to be sucking me into a whirlpool of helplessness.
i find myself so lonely, that i wish to peel off my skin and leave this life behind, leaving everything till now, just to find some relief, to be in the presence of loved ones again.
a feeling of discomfort so strong that i think i have gone mad and that the pressure inside of me that screams, "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT THIS" will soon explode out of my eyes.
it is at times like these i wish i could cry. at least allow me to vent my frustration at the life i have to lead, to vent my emotions and admit that i do not find myself strong enough to live this kind of life, and tell myself it is okay that i am not supernatural, above the sentimental, and an emotionless machine going through a set program called life.
i find that in this moment, i wish to cry. nay, i wish to cry. and yet, no tears come out. perhaps it is after years of training that men should not cry. perhaps it is because after my 9th year away from home, i have finally become jaded to the endless cycles of hellos and farewells. or maybe, and perhaps this is what i fear the most, that i have killed my instinct to care too much enough to be hurt by such trivialities of life.
alas, i believe that the last of the options has not taken hold of me yet, as i still obviously care about such things. perhaps i take solace in the pain that accompanies watching my family leave me behind, reminding me that i am not yet completely jaded.
i remember my freshman year in high school after my parents came to visit me for the first time in my dorm room since orientation day. i remember when they left, i sat in my room crying into a towel for about half an hour asking God why i had to live my life away from my family, why my parents had to leave crying, and why i couldn't just grow up normal like the rest of the kids i knew...
it's been 9 years and yet, here i find myself tearing up at my computer, unable to see what i am typing...finally feeling relieved...
perhaps it's the first time since my freshman year in high school that my parents left me to an empty room. i guess in the meantime, i've always had someone else around to drown out my loneliness. whatever it may be, i find that for the first time in a long time, i am left to reflect on what i am trying to accomplish while being away from home...
there is always something so suffocating about watching loved ones go away and returning to an empty house. the silence that surrounds me seems to oppress me so much that i am afraid to scream for the fear that no sound will come out. instead i hold my breath walking around my apartment with the feeling that if i open my mouth, i will drown in this sea of panic that seems to be sucking me into a whirlpool of helplessness.
i find myself so lonely, that i wish to peel off my skin and leave this life behind, leaving everything till now, just to find some relief, to be in the presence of loved ones again.
a feeling of discomfort so strong that i think i have gone mad and that the pressure inside of me that screams, "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT THIS" will soon explode out of my eyes.
it is at times like these i wish i could cry. at least allow me to vent my frustration at the life i have to lead, to vent my emotions and admit that i do not find myself strong enough to live this kind of life, and tell myself it is okay that i am not supernatural, above the sentimental, and an emotionless machine going through a set program called life.
i find that in this moment, i wish to cry. nay, i wish to cry. and yet, no tears come out. perhaps it is after years of training that men should not cry. perhaps it is because after my 9th year away from home, i have finally become jaded to the endless cycles of hellos and farewells. or maybe, and perhaps this is what i fear the most, that i have killed my instinct to care too much enough to be hurt by such trivialities of life.
alas, i believe that the last of the options has not taken hold of me yet, as i still obviously care about such things. perhaps i take solace in the pain that accompanies watching my family leave me behind, reminding me that i am not yet completely jaded.
i remember my freshman year in high school after my parents came to visit me for the first time in my dorm room since orientation day. i remember when they left, i sat in my room crying into a towel for about half an hour asking God why i had to live my life away from my family, why my parents had to leave crying, and why i couldn't just grow up normal like the rest of the kids i knew...
it's been 9 years and yet, here i find myself tearing up at my computer, unable to see what i am typing...finally feeling relieved...
perhaps it's the first time since my freshman year in high school that my parents left me to an empty room. i guess in the meantime, i've always had someone else around to drown out my loneliness. whatever it may be, i find that for the first time in a long time, i am left to reflect on what i am trying to accomplish while being away from home...
3.07.2007
go fartie, it's my birthday...we gonna fartie like it's my birthday
so i am finally 23...
why finally you ask? i remember when i first began listening to dave matthews band, there was this song called "dancing nancies" and it had the lyrics:
there is in the end something to be said about having to face another year and fearing that last year's mistakes were not a fluke. twenty two years have now come and gone. twenty two years of grace in my life. have i run my race properly?
something in my heart fears that these years will just blend and blur into a the last scenes of a high speed car accident, with glimpses of control lost in despair of helplessness.
and yet, i must say that hope over experience seems to be the opiate by which i stand to see another day. to dull the sting of yesterday with the hope that it has ended finally.
i can't say that i am as pessimistic as this previous part may have me sound, but i am definite that for the first time, i don't know that i have a full sense that this year will be a better year. still, i feel that all these struggles that have come my way are not for loss or even waste....
i almost teared today when i read the message that was on the front of the birthday card my rents sent me...
i don't know that i take enough joy in the gift that is my life. the opportunity to be a child of God, to be a part of his creation, to one day be redeemed. 23 years i have completed.
gonna be starting on my 24th year. this year, i don't hope or pray for a better year. in some ways, i feel that i am done praying for that...maybe i have outgrown that prayer. this year, i pray that i take joy in this life. that i seek joy in this life. and that i will find joy in this life.
why finally you ask? i remember when i first began listening to dave matthews band, there was this song called "dancing nancies" and it had the lyrics:
twenty-three and so tired of lifequite a morbid stanza i must admit, but looking back, i wonder, what makes me think that this year will be any better than the last? will i suddenly become wiser? will i have a new found discipline in my life? maturity to go along with my age?
such a shame to throw it all away
the images grow darker still
could i have been anyone other than me?
there is in the end something to be said about having to face another year and fearing that last year's mistakes were not a fluke. twenty two years have now come and gone. twenty two years of grace in my life. have i run my race properly?
something in my heart fears that these years will just blend and blur into a the last scenes of a high speed car accident, with glimpses of control lost in despair of helplessness.
and yet, i must say that hope over experience seems to be the opiate by which i stand to see another day. to dull the sting of yesterday with the hope that it has ended finally.
i can't say that i am as pessimistic as this previous part may have me sound, but i am definite that for the first time, i don't know that i have a full sense that this year will be a better year. still, i feel that all these struggles that have come my way are not for loss or even waste....
i almost teared today when i read the message that was on the front of the birthday card my rents sent me...
son
celebrate your experience,
for it makes you who you are
and makes life a wonderful adventure
honor your wisdom,
the lessons learned and the risks taken
have all been worth it.
you know your own mind
and can trust your instincts.
take joy in this gift
that is your life.
since the day you were born
you have brought such happiness
to the lives you touch.
i don't know that i take enough joy in the gift that is my life. the opportunity to be a child of God, to be a part of his creation, to one day be redeemed. 23 years i have completed.
gonna be starting on my 24th year. this year, i don't hope or pray for a better year. in some ways, i feel that i am done praying for that...maybe i have outgrown that prayer. this year, i pray that i take joy in this life. that i seek joy in this life. and that i will find joy in this life.
Lamentations 3:1-26
1 I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
3.05.2007
rest
wow...another day and another post...
so yesterday at church, after service, i played "shining" by phil wickham as the background music (i guess that's what you call it) as ppl were leaving. because of that, i had the song on a single playlist. so when today at work, i just hit play, all i heard was the song over and over again...
why didn't i change it? cause i was lazy. besides...i hadn't heard that song in awhile, and i do like it. perhaps it was a message God was sending me...
i find that i recently complain frequently about how i just don't have any time to "unwind" after work and mcat classes. but i must admit, it's not so much that i don't have time to unwind. rather, i am beginning to suspect that i am failing to unwind properly.
this is where today, i have been thinking a lot about "unwinding in God", resting in Him. what does that mean? what does that look like?
so yesterday at church, after service, i played "shining" by phil wickham as the background music (i guess that's what you call it) as ppl were leaving. because of that, i had the song on a single playlist. so when today at work, i just hit play, all i heard was the song over and over again...
why didn't i change it? cause i was lazy. besides...i hadn't heard that song in awhile, and i do like it. perhaps it was a message God was sending me...
you guide me through the darkrest...resting in God. i don't know that i know how to do it. lately i have been very tired. physically yes. but also quite mentally and definitely spiritually. perhaps it is the "holy discontent" in my life that is unhappy with where i am in my life.
you calm my fearful heart
i will rest in you
you give me perfect peace
fulfill my deepest needsi will rest in you
i find that i recently complain frequently about how i just don't have any time to "unwind" after work and mcat classes. but i must admit, it's not so much that i don't have time to unwind. rather, i am beginning to suspect that i am failing to unwind properly.
this is where today, i have been thinking a lot about "unwinding in God", resting in Him. what does that mean? what does that look like?
my first ramblings
so i have finally gotten tired of xanga.
i prolly will continue to post on xanga occasionally. but i guess at this point i am tired of random semi-polished, audience oriented posting. i know it's my doing. but i guess i don't feel like changing the type of xanga posts i am making at this point...
life in boston is a little interesting. why i am starting to post at this hour when i have a presentation tomorrow morning, i have no idea. i guess old habits just don't die in the end. this is how my xanga first started 4 years ago...while staying up late one night trying to crap out an essay for L+R...or at least what L+R used to be.
i think i would like to keep the viewership of this site to a minimum.
i don't know what it is about life after college, but i find that college did not prepare me mentally or physically. perhaps it is the cooking aspect. the fact that i have to consistently think about what im gonna eat each day i think not only tires me about, but also means that on a daily basis, i need to look out for myself. it's not that no one cares. but if i don't eat, the only thing ppl can tell me is that i should eat. it's not like they can invite me over for some food.
i think there is something viral about self-pity. it is the very refusal of support that seems to make this so incurable. i think so often for myself, if i find that i am upset about something, i refuse to let others cheer me up. whether it is cause they are doing a bad job, or because i feel that they seem to be trivializing the supposed gravity of the issue, i simply respond by mocking their attempt or twisting their words to pity myself even more. i don't think this is particular to me.
why is it that so often we are so proud to be helped? sometimes i wonder at how it is that anyone can ever come to repentance. i guess that's why its called amazing grace. it is after all moments like this that i realize more than ever the depravity of our souls and the need for an irresistible grace. i don't mean to say it is hard to ask for help. i feel that is the easy part. everyone and anyone can ask for help. everyone does. at least a hundred times a day. but how many times do we actually accept the help given?
i prolly will continue to post on xanga occasionally. but i guess at this point i am tired of random semi-polished, audience oriented posting. i know it's my doing. but i guess i don't feel like changing the type of xanga posts i am making at this point...
life in boston is a little interesting. why i am starting to post at this hour when i have a presentation tomorrow morning, i have no idea. i guess old habits just don't die in the end. this is how my xanga first started 4 years ago...while staying up late one night trying to crap out an essay for L+R...or at least what L+R used to be.
i think i would like to keep the viewership of this site to a minimum.
i don't know what it is about life after college, but i find that college did not prepare me mentally or physically. perhaps it is the cooking aspect. the fact that i have to consistently think about what im gonna eat each day i think not only tires me about, but also means that on a daily basis, i need to look out for myself. it's not that no one cares. but if i don't eat, the only thing ppl can tell me is that i should eat. it's not like they can invite me over for some food.
i think there is something viral about self-pity. it is the very refusal of support that seems to make this so incurable. i think so often for myself, if i find that i am upset about something, i refuse to let others cheer me up. whether it is cause they are doing a bad job, or because i feel that they seem to be trivializing the supposed gravity of the issue, i simply respond by mocking their attempt or twisting their words to pity myself even more. i don't think this is particular to me.
why is it that so often we are so proud to be helped? sometimes i wonder at how it is that anyone can ever come to repentance. i guess that's why its called amazing grace. it is after all moments like this that i realize more than ever the depravity of our souls and the need for an irresistible grace. i don't mean to say it is hard to ask for help. i feel that is the easy part. everyone and anyone can ask for help. everyone does. at least a hundred times a day. but how many times do we actually accept the help given?
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